i knew a boy in elementary school and middle grade. We went to a small private school, so we knew each other and our families knew each other. Fast forward 30 years and Iām working at this job, helping this lady with the printer. She asked me if I went to that school. I was shocked, itās not something just anyone would know of. I couldnāt tell if I knew her from then She asked if I remembered Greg. Oh yeah!
ohh yeahā¦ she was clearly a woman now but the moment I realized who they were, I couldnāt help but see that look I remembered from so long ago
Lol I have similar story. Met someone from my university course 10 yrs ago recently at sports hobby group. Asked if he took this course at the university.
He was shocked and asked:
āwtf how did u know?ā
āI was there tooā
āBut I donāt know (or recognize) uā
Guess I pass as my gender? It gave me euphoria haha. I didnāt tell him my deadname tho
Can I ask a genuine question with no malice intended so please donāt take it the wrong way?
ā¦Why is oneās ādeadnameā such a taboo subject?
I mean Iām a cis white bloke so I donāt get a say in anything but to me itās just what you used to be called but youāre not anymore, and thatās great. But a lot of people treat it like this evil, secret backstory nobody is to know about? Why is it so ābadā?
Good question. This is my personal view so it might not represent general opinion.
I think it depends on whether that was intentional or not. Just like misgendereing, someone referring me by my deadname isnāt a big deal if it was a mistake. It would take some time to associate me with my chosen name so itās understandable.
However, if it was intentional (or more likely, seems like intentional), that person is not acknowledging my new gender and chosen name, and that is disrespectful or even rude.
Iām trying think of relatable experience for cis folks. Say u r in 20s and some extended family member calls u by ur old nickname when u were really young. Probably thereās no bad intention in this case, but u might get this uncomfortable feeling that
āthat (nickname) does not describe me any more. Iāve grown out of that (nickname)ā
That emotion could be similar to what deadnaming feels like for trans folks. Of course u have to amplify that negative emotion by like 1000x.
I would also add just calling people by their name instead of their preference to your nickname example. Like, if your name is Matt but somebody only calls you Matthew and refuses to use Matt even after you ask them to. Matthew may legally be your name, but thereās only one reason why somebody would do that.
My dad actually has a similar situation in that his first name can be turned into two different nicknames easily, so he can immediately tell how well somebody knows him or cares by which name they call him.
This is so fucking stupid but thereās a podcast called Guys: A Podcast About Guys and one of the hosts used to go by Quibber until he was like, 27 and decided he should go by his real name, and it took convincing to get several people in his life to stop.
A lot of folk who go to the trouble of changing their first name, be they trans, cis or otherwise, likely have negativity attached to their original name from which they would like to move on.
Anyone who knew me by my old name and hasnāt been updated of my new name, doesnāt know my new name for a good reason. So on the very rare occasion I get deadnamed these days, it absolutely scares the hell out of me.
Iām nb and my name change wasnāt specifically for gendered reasons, but for those whose was, being purposefully deadnamed adds a whole new level of hate crime to the situation and puts them at risk of violence from anyone unhinged enough who overhears.
this reminds me of a story that happened to me, but maybe donāt read it, because it might give you a negative new perspective on your experience and i wouldnāt want that.
my own little story
so during my last year at university, i took this small course, with only like 10 other students. at that point i was already out and dressed quite slutty.
fast forward half a year, iām starting at my first job and one of the coworkers asked me if i recognized them. i had no idea who they were altho their name seemed vaguely familiar, from the names listed in the zoom calls of my online lectures.
apparently we studied the same thing in university for 3 years and they even sat right in front of me during that one small course for half a year and i just didnāt remember them at all, but apparentlty they knew who i was? they didnāt transition or anything, i just didnāt care enough to remember i suppose.
i knew a boy in elementary school and middle grade. We went to a small private school, so we knew each other and our families knew each other. Fast forward 30 years and Iām working at this job, helping this lady with the printer. She asked me if I went to that school. I was shocked, itās not something just anyone would know of. I couldnāt tell if I knew her from then She asked if I remembered Greg. Oh yeah!
ohh yeahā¦ she was clearly a woman now but the moment I realized who they were, I couldnāt help but see that look I remembered from so long ago
Just cleaning up people who know her dead name.
Going down the list and crossing off namesā¦ One way or another
Lol I have similar story. Met someone from my university course 10 yrs ago recently at sports hobby group. Asked if he took this course at the university.
He was shocked and asked: āwtf how did u know?ā āI was there tooā āBut I donāt know (or recognize) uā
Guess I pass as my gender? It gave me euphoria haha. I didnāt tell him my deadname tho
Can I ask a genuine question with no malice intended so please donāt take it the wrong way?
ā¦Why is oneās ādeadnameā such a taboo subject?
I mean Iām a cis white bloke so I donāt get a say in anything but to me itās just what you used to be called but youāre not anymore, and thatās great. But a lot of people treat it like this evil, secret backstory nobody is to know about? Why is it so ābadā?
Sorry if this is insensitiveā¦
Good question. This is my personal view so it might not represent general opinion.
I think it depends on whether that was intentional or not. Just like misgendereing, someone referring me by my deadname isnāt a big deal if it was a mistake. It would take some time to associate me with my chosen name so itās understandable.
However, if it was intentional (or more likely, seems like intentional), that person is not acknowledging my new gender and chosen name, and that is disrespectful or even rude.
Iām trying think of relatable experience for cis folks. Say u r in 20s and some extended family member calls u by ur old nickname when u were really young. Probably thereās no bad intention in this case, but u might get this uncomfortable feeling that
āthat (nickname) does not describe me any more. Iāve grown out of that (nickname)ā
That emotion could be similar to what deadnaming feels like for trans folks. Of course u have to amplify that negative emotion by like 1000x.
I would also add just calling people by their name instead of their preference to your nickname example. Like, if your name is Matt but somebody only calls you Matthew and refuses to use Matt even after you ask them to. Matthew may legally be your name, but thereās only one reason why somebody would do that.
My dad actually has a similar situation in that his first name can be turned into two different nicknames easily, so he can immediately tell how well somebody knows him or cares by which name they call him.
This is so fucking stupid but thereās a podcast called Guys: A Podcast About Guys and one of the hosts used to go by Quibber until he was like, 27 and decided he should go by his real name, and it took convincing to get several people in his life to stop.
A lot of folk who go to the trouble of changing their first name, be they trans, cis or otherwise, likely have negativity attached to their original name from which they would like to move on.
Anyone who knew me by my old name and hasnāt been updated of my new name, doesnāt know my new name for a good reason. So on the very rare occasion I get deadnamed these days, it absolutely scares the hell out of me.
Iām nb and my name change wasnāt specifically for gendered reasons, but for those whose was, being purposefully deadnamed adds a whole new level of hate crime to the situation and puts them at risk of violence from anyone unhinged enough who overhears.
this reminds me of a story that happened to me, but maybe donāt read it, because it might give you a negative new perspective on your experience and i wouldnāt want that.
my own little story
so during my last year at university, i took this small course, with only like 10 other students. at that point i was already out and dressed quite slutty.
fast forward half a year, iām starting at my first job and one of the coworkers asked me if i recognized them. i had no idea who they were altho their name seemed vaguely familiar, from the names listed in the zoom calls of my online lectures.
apparently we studied the same thing in university for 3 years and they even sat right in front of me during that one small course for half a year and i just didnāt remember them at all, but apparentlty they knew who i was? they didnāt transition or anything, i just didnāt care enough to remember i suppose.
I aspire to pass this well someday lol