Can I ask a genuine question with no malice intended so please donāt take it the wrong way?
ā¦Why is oneās ādeadnameā such a taboo subject?
I mean Iām a cis white bloke so I donāt get a say in anything but to me itās just what you used to be called but youāre not anymore, and thatās great. But a lot of people treat it like this evil, secret backstory nobody is to know about? Why is it so ābadā?
Good question. This is my personal view so it might not represent general opinion.
I think it depends on whether that was intentional or not. Just like misgendereing, someone referring me by my deadname isnāt a big deal if it was a mistake. It would take some time to associate me with my chosen name so itās understandable.
However, if it was intentional (or more likely, seems like intentional), that person is not acknowledging my new gender and chosen name, and that is disrespectful or even rude.
Iām trying think of relatable experience for cis folks. Say u r in 20s and some extended family member calls u by ur old nickname when u were really young. Probably thereās no bad intention in this case, but u might get this uncomfortable feeling that
āthat (nickname) does not describe me any more. Iāve grown out of that (nickname)ā
That emotion could be similar to what deadnaming feels like for trans folks. Of course u have to amplify that negative emotion by like 1000x.
I would also add just calling people by their name instead of their preference to your nickname example. Like, if your name is Matt but somebody only calls you Matthew and refuses to use Matt even after you ask them to. Matthew may legally be your name, but thereās only one reason why somebody would do that.
My dad actually has a similar situation in that his first name can be turned into two different nicknames easily, so he can immediately tell how well somebody knows him or cares by which name they call him.
This is so fucking stupid but thereās a podcast called Guys: A Podcast About Guys and one of the hosts used to go by Quibber until he was like, 27 and decided he should go by his real name, and it took convincing to get several people in his life to stop.
A lot of folk who go to the trouble of changing their first name, be they trans, cis or otherwise, likely have negativity attached to their original name from which they would like to move on.
Anyone who knew me by my old name and hasnāt been updated of my new name, doesnāt know my new name for a good reason. So on the very rare occasion I get deadnamed these days, it absolutely scares the hell out of me.
Iām nb and my name change wasnāt specifically for gendered reasons, but for those whose was, being purposefully deadnamed adds a whole new level of hate crime to the situation and puts them at risk of violence from anyone unhinged enough who overhears.
Can I ask a genuine question with no malice intended so please donāt take it the wrong way?
ā¦Why is oneās ādeadnameā such a taboo subject?
I mean Iām a cis white bloke so I donāt get a say in anything but to me itās just what you used to be called but youāre not anymore, and thatās great. But a lot of people treat it like this evil, secret backstory nobody is to know about? Why is it so ābadā?
Sorry if this is insensitiveā¦
Good question. This is my personal view so it might not represent general opinion.
I think it depends on whether that was intentional or not. Just like misgendereing, someone referring me by my deadname isnāt a big deal if it was a mistake. It would take some time to associate me with my chosen name so itās understandable.
However, if it was intentional (or more likely, seems like intentional), that person is not acknowledging my new gender and chosen name, and that is disrespectful or even rude.
Iām trying think of relatable experience for cis folks. Say u r in 20s and some extended family member calls u by ur old nickname when u were really young. Probably thereās no bad intention in this case, but u might get this uncomfortable feeling that
āthat (nickname) does not describe me any more. Iāve grown out of that (nickname)ā
That emotion could be similar to what deadnaming feels like for trans folks. Of course u have to amplify that negative emotion by like 1000x.
I would also add just calling people by their name instead of their preference to your nickname example. Like, if your name is Matt but somebody only calls you Matthew and refuses to use Matt even after you ask them to. Matthew may legally be your name, but thereās only one reason why somebody would do that.
My dad actually has a similar situation in that his first name can be turned into two different nicknames easily, so he can immediately tell how well somebody knows him or cares by which name they call him.
This is so fucking stupid but thereās a podcast called Guys: A Podcast About Guys and one of the hosts used to go by Quibber until he was like, 27 and decided he should go by his real name, and it took convincing to get several people in his life to stop.
A lot of folk who go to the trouble of changing their first name, be they trans, cis or otherwise, likely have negativity attached to their original name from which they would like to move on.
Anyone who knew me by my old name and hasnāt been updated of my new name, doesnāt know my new name for a good reason. So on the very rare occasion I get deadnamed these days, it absolutely scares the hell out of me.
Iām nb and my name change wasnāt specifically for gendered reasons, but for those whose was, being purposefully deadnamed adds a whole new level of hate crime to the situation and puts them at risk of violence from anyone unhinged enough who overhears.