Edit: Last night she attempted suicide. I was in the living room while she was showering. She got out of the shower, went to the bedroom, and about 10 minutes later I heard her call my name. She was holding a large handful of her medicine in one hand, and the bottle in the other. She told me she almost took it, but decided to get help instead. Suffice to say, both of us are dealing with a lot right now. She asked me not to tell anyone, but I am trying to persuade her to get mental healthcare.
So yesterday morning, while my girlfriend and I were sleeping in our new apartment, we heard some rustling at the door. This was around 8 AM or so. I heard him call out “maintenance” very faintly from the other side of the door.
I was partially awake and called out to the guy after glancing my gf’s way in a “is this guy for real?” look.
Guy apologized and left the apartment after he heard me. At the time, she said she was “glad I was there”.
I spoke to him later and he apologized profusely and said he wasn’t aware someone had moved in already. I figured that would be the end of it. No harm, no foul.
Last night, my girlfriend informed me that I didn’t handle that correctly. She said her dad would’ve been up and ready to fight the guy, and that by glancing her way I must’ve been asking her to protect me.
Despite us discussing a proposal now that we’re 2 years in, she let me know she doesn’t think I should “this year, but that she may change her mind”.
I’m honestly baffled. Was I supposed to shoot the maintenance man or something?
It has me reconsidering the relationship. One perceived mistake–that I honestly think I handled fine–and she’s putting our plans on ice.
She’s been mean leading up to this. She blames her cycle (and apologizes each time), but it’s a pretty extreme mood shift for a few days each month. So part of me wonders if these 2 things are related, and she’ll regret saying that to me. Another part wonders if I should forgive her in the first place.
What do y’all think? How big of a mess am I in?
Reading this thread variously - honestly, your relationship sounds exhausting.
It’s taking more from you than it’s giving back. Regular blowups followed by patch-ups that leave you back where you started, with nothing but fallout and pain to show for it.
She fucks up, but is simultaneously too fragile and yet too able to hold you hostage to be held accountable; somehow you’re the one that has to earn your way back into her good graces, and you dare not upset the apple art by trying to change the dynamic or, god forbid, assert some boundaries along the way.
Rinse and repeat until it leaches the calcium right out of your damn bones.
Look, I get it. Anxiety disorders are no fun, mental illness isn’t the fault of the person who has it, and I have no doubt that she’s a wonderful person overall.
But you’re not getting paid for this. You’re not her carer, you’re not her parent, it’s not your job to clean up after her your whole life.
Would you take on that role for someone with stabyouintheface-itis, a condition that caused an otherwise lovely person to stab you in the face every month or two, entirely outside of their control or intent?
Hard pass, am I right? Not their fault, but not your job, so no. The impact of this one is lesser, but the principle is the same.
And yes, people can change and adapt and do better. Supposedly, at least - I haven’t seen it myself.
In the meantime, you deserve better things in your life than just pissing it away down someone else’s crazyhole.
Be by yourself, or be with someone who doesn’t take all your emotional resources just to break even. If your gf eventually manages to turn it around and get in better control of it, such that you can both benefit from the relationship, then great.
But until then, it’s just wearing you down and not filling her up. With the best will in the world towards her, you should go elsewhere.
Thanks for typing this out. I was dating a girl exactly like that a while ago, and was absolutely ready to start a relationship with her. Luckily she got cold feet and ended it. I am only now realizing just how bad an idea it would have been to keep going with her and how many red flags I ignored to get to that point.
Fuck.
Oof. 20-something year old me needed to read this comment .
I thought you were really insightful and I just wanted to give you an update because, if I was lost before, I’m really fucking lost now.
Last night she attempted suicide. I am reading these from my couch while we sort out what the fuck to do.
She went to the bedroom while I was reading on the couch around 8:30 after she took a shower. Within 5-10 minutes she called my name. I came in and she had a bottle.of her pills in one hand, and enough of them to kill a horse in the other.
She was shaking, but pretty numb when I gently took the bottle and pills out of her hands and held her. It took probably another 15-20 minutes for her to say anything else. Then she started sobbing.
This is the first time I’ve witnessed a suicide attempt, so I’m shaken up.
Anyway, thank you for the advice. It was thought provoking and I’m going to pick my way through it while I cope.
Brother, I’m sorry to say but I think you need to get out of that situation. Right now. I’ve been in a relationship like that and it never ends well.
I think the maintenance man just reminded you that your girlfriend is a terrible person.
And he just helped you dodge a serious bullet. Buy that dude a drink.
Fly, you fool
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she doesn’t think I should “this year, but that she may change her mind”.
Wow, she’s so generous, she might still LET you propose to her. Life and relationship is never about one person fulfilling a role for another. She basically wants you to be a knight to her princess. You can’t ever have needs or fears of your own, because she simply is higher up in this relationship. You need to EARN her love.
You don’t want to deal with an entitled person everyday, thats called retail work and people don’t like it.
Two things. One, she needs help I agree. Two, this sounds really manipulative and suspect. Proceed with caution. I’m not sure sticking this one out is a good call.
I’m a little baffled that after hearing “maintenance” that she expects you to be in fight mode. Granted it could be a ruse, but really?
So I have to ask, is she always in this mode that everything everywhere is a threat and danger? If so I think she needs therapy.
She grew up in a dangerous environment. In a lot of ways, she’s always in fight or flight mode. Usually fight.
It’s something she is getting treated for. She’s on an anxiety med and visits a therapist once a month, but between that and a very stressful job, she’s worn down.
It’s a really complex situation all around and I don’t know of a straightforward way to deal with it.
Approaching every situation in “fight mode” is often what turns mundane interactions dangerous.
She needs to realize the value of being able to keep a level head and assess situations.
Or she needs a dog to feel safe not this toxic masculinity shit. Men aren’t your eternal protector, they’re people who can be scared or confused.
Well there you go. People online are quick to say breakup but I’m not. I think this is a learning experience for her, and for you a bit on her mindset. She needs to get her fears under some control. But it can be hardwired so sometimes we have to play along and stand between her and strangers so she feels safe (but still unpack it later).
That’s not the issue.
The issue is she blamed her partner for not doing anything wrong. And held up the wedding above his head like a threat. Has she even apologised yet?
Yes she needs to unpack this in therapy. Her thoughts after aren’t in line, but the root of this whole thing is the/her reaction to the door.
That is the right move for her. But that does not necessarily help him. Change can take a long time, especially if the traumatized person does not want to change or is not honest with their therapist. In her case, change would mean letting down her defenses and not attacking everyone in sight when she gets triggered (which very often is going to be her partner and that’s not fair to him). Letting down her guard is going to be very difficult/impossible because it’s the only thing keeping her anxiety at bay. It will be a long process to see real change. He’s already reconsidering the relationship 2 years in, and this therapy will likely take much longer than that to see real progress. If he’s not up for dealing with her episodes in the meantime, he should be moving on with his life.
I would say did you have a leveled and rational conversation about this incident? I think her understanding your perspective, your upbringing vs hers, and her self-identifyed baggage, you could come out of this stronger and with a deeper understanding of each other. Re: those who say “holding the engagement over his head” - isn’t it perfectly reasonable to express hesitation in a relationship when you are unsure of its future? Seems to me she doesn’t know if she can get over this thing. She is re-evaluating. Now a good discussion could put that to rest, but it could also lead to the opposite, so truth or compromise?
“Dont propose this year, but I may change my mind” is pure “have cake and want to eat cake.”
That’s a weapon right there. It’s a statement that says “because of your actions, you have put your place in our relationship in jeopardy. You can now earn your place back if you please me.” You make statements like that to end a relationship, or to control someone, as those are the only two places you can go from there. That is not a somewhere OP wants to be.
The only, only case the above would be anything but emotional blackmail is if she said the first bit, realized it was a relationship ender, then was chagrined and immediately tried to walk it back. That doesnt seem like the case based on OPs wording, but maybe he can clarifying.
She wants out, and is using this as an excuse to drive a wedge.
I think it’s still worth trying to see if she really feels like she wanted you to be more concerned for her safety and maybe yelled at the guy or did she really want you to go full murder hobo on an innocent human.
However, the extreme mood shift and being abusive to you and her doing fuck all to break that cycle where she’s not being a dick to you every damn month, well I think that really needs to be addressed and you need to decide if you’re actually going to be okay with being treated badly every month for t he rest of your life.
The other elephant in the room is that do you want to spend the rest of your life with a person who’s feelings will turn on you the minute things get a little tough? I mean you not wanting to murder someone leads to her falling out of love with you that fast? Really man, take a good long look at your two years together, maybe hash it out with a friend and get a outside look at things to get a full picture of if this is really what you want for the rest of your life.
Ask her if you should get a shotgun and point it at the door anytime you hear human life on the other side. Hopefully at that point it will become clear that this is a stupid thing to do, and you can both move on.
Also, depending on how much she harps on this, definitely a red flag.
at that point it will become clear that this is a stupid thing to do
While you’re technically right, I’m afraid things don’t work that way. Pushing people into a corner can have the paradoxic opposite result of strengthening their position, even if it is “clearly” wrong.
Seems like a red flag to me.
Maybe it’s not a deal-breaker in and of itself, but if you get many more of these, you probably want to cut your losses and move on.
Take it from an old guy who’s learned this shit the hard way.
In my experience it’s the case that if someone shows you that they are crazy or psychologically maladjusted, there’s very little that you can do about it as their romantic partner.
I don’t say that people can’t change, only that it’s almost never going to happen when they are already in a relationship with you and exhibiting weird and abusive behavior such as what you describe.
That said, in all honesty I think you might want to at least consider getting out now. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will be.
Again, I’m an old guy in his 50s and I have seen and been through some shit over the years. That doesn’t mean that I’m somehow magically “right,” but it does mean that I have some perspective on these things.
Take it for whatever you think it’s worth.
As a 33 year old man who has had his own share of years in abusive/manipulative relationships, I second this guy’s opinion. The things she said is not the kind of thing you can brush off as a “heat of the moment, on my period” thing. Maybe the fact that she said it is, but she would’ve been thinking it regardless, which is the problem. She has a toxic view of masculinity, apparently because her dad exhibits these traits, and for some reason she wants a guy just like that. You actually sound like a well-adjusted person who doesn’t feel the need to violently assault someone without having all the facts, in order to assert dominance. Unfortunately, that’s not what she wants.
Also, it sounds like her reaction in this situation may be coming from a place of trauma. Has she been assaulted in her past? It is weird that a maintenance guy entering the apartment would trigger her to seek protection. Seems like there may be more to that part of her story. In that case, if you can convince her to seek help from a therapist, this all might just go away.
Look, king. You are not responsible for her mental illnesses the same way nobody else is responsible for any of ours.
That being said, yes you really should be ready to shoot something trying to enter your house without your consent. That is not an idea incompatible with de-escalation.
Have you considered couples counseling?
After only being together for two years? When they’re not even engaged?
Some relationships are worth fighting for. This doesn’t sound like one of those.
Sure! Why not? My girlfriend and I do it when we have communication issues. We have insurance, and can easily afford the copays.
Currently reading Attached: The Science of Adult Attachment by Amir Levine MD & Rachel S.F. Healer MA. I would highly recommend buying the book and both of you reading it. Not because of your post I just think everyone can benefit and become more competent partners through the fundamentals laid out in the book.
Your partner sounds like she is displaying deactivating strategies that avoidant attachment styles use to keep relationships from becoming uncomfortably intimate (for them). This could be a recurring issue that manifests in different deactivating strategies throughout your relationship, which is why it might be a good idea for you to read the book together. I’m an avoidant attachment myself, and I have a completely different view of my interactions with my wife now, much less of me viewing her behaviors as positive or negative but more so just empathizing with why she is behaving one way or another.
Lastly forgiveness is just part of being in a long term relationship. You asked if if you should forgive her in the first place, are you expecting to have a relationship with an ideal someone you won’t have to forgive?
Thanks for the advice. I just got off work so I’m only now able to read these. I’m going to check this book out. It sounds like, if nothing else, it’ll give me another perspective on what’s going on.
I expect forgiveness to be part of my relationships, I just don’t know if I can forgive this. I think my ability to forgive has limits, and this incident is severe enough, in my mind, to test those limits. Forgiveness increasingly feels like a one way street for her and I. I forgive her, but she’s selective with what she’ll forgive and move past. It wasn’t always this way. It’s changed in the past 3-4 months, though.
It absolutely has to be a two way street. You should have limits and you should be clear with her what they are. Whatever happens I hope the best for the both of you!
