Hello all, my daughter is eight years old. She is high functioning autistic. One trouble she has is she will either misunderstand social situation’s or become easily triggered. When these things happen her mind becomes disorganized and she will have meltdowns. She will not be able to gather her thoughts and ends up yelling at the other person (usually her older brother) but not in a way that is not productive to solving the problem…
I have talked to her about calm down techniques, but she is asking if there is ways that people with autism specifically handle these things. I know how I handle them, but I am coming from neurotypical perspective and even though I have done a lot of reading on this topic I feel it would be a good idea to reach out to the community to see if you all have any advice for her.
So what do you all do in a high stress situation where your brain just wants to yell? What helps sooth and calm, sooth, and organize thoughts?
The breakthrough for me was realizing that in many cases what is happening is primarily a medical, neurological issue, not a primarily emotional issue. This means only neurologically focused solutions are properly effective.
An autistic nervous system is prone to over activation, and what a lot of people don’t know is this can cause nerve cell death through a process called excitotoxicity.
Not enough research has been done on meltdowns, but my theory is what’s really happening is excitotoxicity kicks in, nerves start dying, the body recognizes injury is occurring, and goes into a fight or flight state to try and defend against the source of the excitatory damage.
The key is to know how to deactivate the over-active nerves. And the easiest, fastest way to do that is through triggering endorphins. Endorphins will quickly switch off the nerves that are dying from being switched on too long.
Endorphins can be triggered quickly by favorite music, and vigorous exercise on the spot. Perhaps your daughter might have headphones at the ready with her favorite songs, and quick access to a jump rope or trampoline or other favorite physical game.
Btw pain also causes endorphin release, and I believe that is why so many of us self harm during meltdowns. But there are better ways to trigger the same physiological response.
In my own case I have tested this method many times by putting on loud music and lifting weights. I’ve halted meltdowns multiple times now this way.
Another option is exorphins, which come from foods that break down in the body to function similarly to endorphins.
These include chocolate, wheat products (gliadorphin), and soy products (soymirphin). When your daughter is old enough, caffeine is also in the list. I think autistic people intuitively feel the nerve calming effect of exorphins and that’s part of why we crave “beige” foods.
These things have to be tested individually per person though, because sometimes two autistic people can have complete opposite reactions to the exact same inputs.
But I’m confident if you can find endorphin triggers for your daughter, that she can learn to reach for by herself, and help her learn to recognize when her nervous system is in an over activated state, it will be hugely helpful. If you can get endorphins/exorphins taking action during that rising, rumbling phase you can often stop the meltdown, and if not you can reduce the intensity.
Also, once you understand the mechanics of what’s going on you stop feeling like you’re bad or weak person falling to be in control of your emotions. Instead you see and feel the truth, that you have a neurological disability that needs to be handled as a physiological issue, with kindness to yourself in order to preserve your own neurological health.
That would be an amazing thing for an autistic person to realize early in life, instead of carrying decades of guilt and shame. And I think it could potentially prevent a lifetime of cumulative nerve damage from compounding into chronic health issues later.
I really hope this helps, and feel free to ask me for any more information or related studies, resources etc.
I did not know most of this. It has helped me to understand my own behaviours better.
I struggle with the same thing and what helps me is having tools that I can use to be “alone-ish” Sunglasses, noise cancelling headphones, or physically going to sit somewhere alone like on the floor. Helps me calm down faster. I wish I had some secret to calm myself and just keep going but I’ve tried a lot of things and it always takes time. Another method to reduce my meltdown duration is EARLY WARNING. Once I realize it’s coming I can use havening techniques or take a break. My service dog alerts me to this too and he can use deep pressure therapy to calm me down
I got diagnosed at the age of 30, at the very mild end of the spectrum. I have learned to “store up” the frustration, and then go listen to metal when I have me-time later on.
It sounds like sensory/situational overload to me. Unfortunately in that situation, logic doesn’t work because everything has become emotional/reactive. Punishments and rewards won’t work here because she hasn’t decided to misbehave, and is only reacting instinctively.
The easiest solution is for her to remove herself from the situation, but that can be difficult if she is doing something interesting/engaging. A helping hand in giving her space and time to process the situation could help. Talking through the situation after can help, but too soon after or too often can be detrimental, as you could exacerbate the overstimulation issue.
If you are able to recognise the symptoms before she reacts badly, you can step in and prevent the situation from getting worse. Many people with autism are not good at recognising their own feelings, so it’s entirely possible that she doesn’t even know that she’s getting angry/frustrated until she snaps. At that point it’s already too late for coping strategies. Teaching her to recognise her feelings early could help, but that takes a lot of time and practice.
One major difficulty is her age. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve found myself more able to use coping strategies. As a child, even though I knew the solutions, I was not always able to remember them at the right time, or go through with the steps when someone was telling me them.
Unfortunately I don’t think there’ll be a quick fix to this. It’s possible that she will gradually learn to copy behaviours she sees, and learn to interact better with other, but it will always be an effort to do so.
I’m autistic. You’re describing overstimulation. She is only 8, and it will take time for her to understand what is overstimulating and how to appropriately deal with it. When I am in an overstimulating situation I take breaks, for example taking a walk away from a party.
The thing about being overstimulated is it’s not something where you just take deep breaths and calm down and feel better magically. You need to be removed from what’s overstimulating you. Imagine being in a room of people who are all screaming at you and you are being pushed to continue to function despite that. That’s what being overstimulated is like.
Another important thing to keep in mind is not to push her to act neurotypical. When I’m around a lot of people I reach a point where I “shut down”. I am still actively listening but I am quiet and over talking. Make sure you and other family members are not pushing her to be talkative if she wants to be quiet. And assist her being able to take breaks or allow her to acknowledge she is overstimulated and remove herself from the situation. A huge problem, that I have experienced myself and seen other families do with autistic kids, is force them to act “normal” in overstimulating situations. That’s a great way to lead to a meltdown. If her siblings are neurotypical they might be doing this because they don’t understand.
Sometimes though things are out of your control or it sneaks up on you and you NEED to meltdown to feel better. She needs to figure out a way she can do that without taking it out on someone. Go to her room and cry, run around outside, yell outside, something. All of this is up to her to decide and figure out since it varies per person, but you can help her by reminding her she needs to redirect her meltdown and giving her the space to do so.
And just FYI, it’s not high functioning or low functioning anymore. Autism is now described by the level of support someone needs, because someone can appear “high functioning” in certain scenarios but need a lot of support in other ways.
I have talked to her about calm down techniques
This won’t work. During a meltdown, people aren’t rational and “calm down techniques” ask for rationality to be proceeded.
I would recommend multiple points during these meltdowns. The first is meltdowns are a normal. It’s part of the neurodiversity life. Your daughter have nothing to be ashamed of. She can’t control them when they are happening. It will be a thing during her entire life. We can have influences on the triggers of meltdowns, but not on the meltdown itself. It’s the old “Prevention is better than cure”.
Meltdowns are an answer to anxiety and stress. It’s a huge release of energy to lower this anxiety. Anxiety is a general issue in Autism. We are anxious, as the world isn’t shape for our neurology. She and you, the parents, and the teacher can list what she is doing and what’s happening during the day. Also, hyper and hyposensitivities are triggers. So be sure to list them too. There will be some pattern, sometime more general and sometime more detailed. You will discover some triggers (not all as it evolves during time). It’s not to avoid the triggers at all cost. It’s to allow rest time. School for example use an astonishing quantity of energy (noise, light, peoples, talks, etc.). It’s nice to have rest time when coming back from school to gain energy and lower the anxiety. If the noise is an issue, wearing something lowering it.
Now, when a meltdown appears. The first reaction is to stay calm. If the people around aren’t calm, it will add anxiety and remember, meltdowns are a response to anxiety. The next steps are to not look at her, it can be perceived as predatory, don’t ask question why it happens, don’t speak of the consequences, again reasons won’t work with a non-reasonable person. You will have to be reassuring by saying “it’s fine to have a meltdown”, “it will pass”, “I understand what you’re living, feeling”. It’s to rebuild the self-esteem.
You can have a safe-space for her so when she has a meltdown, she can go there. It has to be sensitive friendly and “anxiety-free”. She can go there to lower the anxiety.
She is young but learning about autism is key. She will have to live in an autistic way to have fewer meltdowns, shutdowns and avoiding burnouts. It’s to learn who she is, how she works, and to accept it. For example, she goes to a birthday party. She needs activities giving her energy and lowering anxiety before or/and after.
The safe space was really important to me.
There was a room at the other end of the house that was rarely used, so I could go there if I was overwhelmed. Even if I wouldn’t have needed the room, just knowing it was available helped.
On the few days that the room was used by someone else, I had really high anxiety and no way to calm down.I have always validated her feelings, and made sure she understands that she is excepted and loved. I tell her it’s important that we practice but that there is nothing wrong with her feelings. I have a lot of education with autism, but there is always more to learn and I always want to gain more knowledge and insight so that I can be a better parent.
As far as a safe space I got her a pink tent house which is really nice and she loves it. She keeps her art supplies in there and she has a light and a fan to make sure that it is comfortable. It has a soft mat on the bottom and she has a long pink kitty pillow to lay on and snuggle with.
She responds very well to positive reinforcement and praise and affection. I know that she will be OK in the long run. I don’t consider her meltdown to be a burden, but rather I feel bad for her that she is struggling in such a way.
Positive reinforcement is another name for ABA in other words conversion therapy.
After reading all the other comments full of great advice, I wanted to mention I technique I use. If I’m really struggling to get through something I pretend I am a diffrent person. Like an actor. There is a great deal of recovery time, but in a pinch, difficult conversations, job interviews, and such, I can pretend to be another person who handles things flawlessly. Maybe do some roleplaying? Invent a superhero persona for her she can slip into when she needs to.
And thanks for being so understanding of your daughter. I had to figure everything out on my own!
That’s a really cool idea. She’s a bit young especially mentally but we will try that in the future.
There is for sure more understanding of autism now than there was when you were a kid, and unfortunately some parents just don’t understand or learn about autism.
My advise is to try to really understand the details in what causes the trigger. Not just on how it appears on a neurotypical surface level.
Think of it as trying to understand game mechanics.
In the case of social misunderstanding, is it:
- certain topics
- a specific word
- the tone
- the feeling of being misunderstood
- the sensation of certain emotions
- lingering emotions/feelings that where already present.
Also play close attention to different behavior when facing similar triggers, they can tell a lot about the root issue.
- Does it happen more frequently after school, in weekends, in public.
- What other sensory stimulation are around (tv, tl lights, itching clothing.)
Are there situations where the trigger is present but she does manage. Ask yourself questions why can she/i manage now but not other times.
Once you truly really understand what makes you tik (this can take years as things can have many layers) it becomes much easier to navigate and rationalize your life.
Her main triggers are interactions with her brother, doing chores, or discipline. These things are unfortunately not avoidable. I do try to help mentally prep her for chores and I’m calm with discipline.
My suggestion is for her to look deeper then that.
I ll provide some examples. Of course take in mind i am an adult dad myself so my sense of responsibility and experience with autism is not the same as an 8yo child. Many of the examples have gotten me to “meltdown” though. And of course these examples are personale to me and may not apply to your daughter.
Chores: i am holding something i need to trow in the trash but the trashcan is full.
a robust structure to make sure the trashcans are emptied on a schedule goes a long way in avoiding this
I am sweeping but there are items on the floor.
first check the floor and remove any obstacles may sound so normal it feels silly now but i was already an adult when i learned this and it felt like a magic.
I find myself in need of tool x to do my choir but i cant find it.
collect all required tools and items before proceeding
I neglected to clean the house for to long, the clutter creates massive visual overstimulation. I cant find my cleaning tools between the clutter. I cant remove obstacles from the floor because there is no space left to put them. My mind tells me to just kick and trow everything I perceive as being in my way and just writing this passage in text gives me ptsd flashbacks.
STOP do something else in a sensory calm area. Then ask someone for help to create a centralized empty spot, use this spot like a food plate. Only put on the plate what you can handle. Take more if the plate is empty.
Discipline is more on you then her. Make sure to prioritize the goal, which is to learn from mistakes. Don’t fall into the hole of using the same discipline that works for others. Some people respond well to punishments. I did not, they just made me resent authority. Often i did not understand what i should have done instead or i made an honest mistake. I fared much better with a clear understanding of what exactly happend.
Which brings me to social misunderstandings. I have fought my wife over terminology. I draw a hardline between accidentally causing an accident. And being at fault for something. Simply hearing that someone is at fault when it was a non intentional mistake deeply infuriates me to this day. However mature discussing this with my wife revealed my stance really isn’t all that different from the rest of society. I still believe feeling of guilt and trying to fix damage is in order if ypu make a mistske. Its specifically the words “at fault” or “x hurt y” which my mind perceives as “with intend” I cant really know with her brother but it could be their fights are about similar misunderstanding of some words. It does strike me as an area of opportunity to learn if talking to one person causes a meltdown and another does not.
Some final general advice. Being too overstimulated is almost always a good reason to stop doing something. Pushing yourself to far this way can create dangerous situation and routinely being overstimulated will create a habit of avoidance. Always have a backup space that is low sensory to retreat to. Its much easier to proceed when your head is calm and clear and often the fresh energy will more then make up for lost time.
Good luck, both for your daughter aswell as you her parent. It will often not be easy for either of you. But over time, the gained experience and mutual understanding not only will make things easier but will create opportunities to cultivate her mind to achieve things no neurotypical ever could.
One thing that would have helped me pretty often as a kid would be the chance to physically distance from the conflict, calm down on my own over time, and get my thoughts in order (maybe by writing or typing them out) before re-addressing the conflict.
I also sometimes get overstimulated. I’m not sure if what I do to calm down is the right thing to do, but I usually excuse myself and try to find a quiet remote place with not many people in (or best case scenario, nobody).
These places are usually my room, toilets, the school’s psychiatrists room or other rooms like that, etc.
I just stay there until I feel better and calm down. I’m not sure yet if people consider someone asking to leave in the middle of something rude or if they would understand.
I second this. It’s what works for me, as well, and I learned it from my dad, who has the same problem.
But you’re right: some people do consider it “rude” to do this. That said, it’s still preferable to melting down all over someone’s face, and people like that are pretty much lost causes, for people like us.
That said, for people who are willing to make reasonable accomodations (and in the workplace, that’s a legal term) if we’ve already explained we need to do this from time to time beforehand, people can be pretty accepting. It only takes a little while, so long as you don’t have anxiety about the departure piled on top of whatever else is going on.
Perhaps asking too much, but educating and asking for help from the older brother may also help. Something like,
“Hey, this seems really stressful for you, let’s take a 5 min break and continue after.”
Though that’s asking a lot from a sibling or similar age!
Unfortunately, this is something that can only really improve with age/time.
In many emotional regulation frameworks (DBT, mindfulness) they talk about the recognition and pause as the first two steps. Noticing you’re feeling a certain way, and then learning to take a quick pause from doing anything - “one, two, three”. That gives you a small space within which you can then learn how to respond differently than instinct. Probably she’s not old enough to have learned those two steps yet. (Many adults haven’t either!) So maybe start there. Just “recognize” first, then “pause” after she’s learned the first one. It may take awhile, and that’s ok. Once she’s learned them they will be very powerful for many different things.
I’m a mess with family. For work however I inhale through the mouth to fill my lungs, then another sharp intake through the nose, followed by a slow exhale through the mouth like cooling cocoa. The exhale should be long. Repeat 1-3 times until I am calm enough to excuse myself. I practiced this in non-crisis situations so it’s second nature and so I can do it subtly, but it does work “out loud” with a finger held up to hold off questions). Once is usually enough. But being able to say “I’m sorry, I have to step away” or “be right back” in a calm voice, rather than that shaky-voice is clutch.
Then I do something from TIPP (reference below). I recommend having a few ready at hand for various situations. At work, I’ll go run up the stairs ( Intense exercise, ideally this would be longer, but even just a minute or two helps). That or paced breathing, sounds like you already have some of those exercises queued up. Holding an ice cube is a popular one.
(not endorsing anything on this site, just for the TIPP explanation, because I’m bad with acronyms. https://footprintscommunity.org.au/resources/introduction-to-dialectal-behavioural-therapy-the-tipp-skill/
My son has been provided a safe/quiet space to remove himself to and the option to go there when he feels it necessary as part of his IEP. It’s been a huge help and he’s been needing it less as he gets older. It doesn’t really solve problems, but it definitely helps prevent them from cropping up or spiraling out of control as often.
Sensory toys/fidgets are good too. It helps divert some of that frantic brain activity so it becomes more manageable.
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Mindfulness is great, but in my case I noticed that the usual techniques don’t work. I needed to find my own techniques. For instance most autistics have some kind of special interest. Diving into that certainly helps me. It’s where my mind can roam freely.
