So, this is a very complicated story and actually I feel like I’d have to write a book to explain it all. I’ll keep it short and leave out a ton. I was severely bullied in school since grade one due to a skin condition. It doesn’t matter which, it was very visible, all over my body. Teachers did nothing. It was the nineties in a small little village in the middle of nowhere. In third grade one teacher ask me why I don’t take medicine or cover up with make-up so I wouldn’t get bullied. My parents didn’t do anything either, not even take me to a doctor.
In 7th grade my condition had gotten better, but now I was bullied for my clothes. My parents were horrible and didn’t allow me to buy my own clothes, if I did I’d find it cut to pieces shortly after. My skin was also still not good, though not as severe. So I was bullied for dressing weirdly and for having bad skin. However in 7th grade I became part of a friendship group of 4. All outsiders for various reasons. And life was Ok. I still got bullied the most out of us four because of my skin. I was told to hide it with makeup and when I said I can’t wear makeup due to allergic reactions the bullies said to “tough it out”, because “noone wants to see that”. I just stuck to our group and tried to ignore them. However in hindsight I feel like the other three never took the bullying seriously, since they were never the target. They were just more or less outsiders because they weren’t interested in fashion, party etc.
One of the four was Lydia. Lydia didn’t fit in because she was from an ultraconservative family and wasn’t allowed to do many things. However, during our last two years of school her parents became less strict after her oldest brother moved out and cut contact at 18. She started hanging out with the others, going to parties etc. During our last few weeks I was repeatedly the butt of jokes. And she started defending my bullies, saying it’s not that serious.
There was a kind of yearbook where everybody wrote comments about the classmates. The ones about me were all along the lines of “doesn’t know what a shower is” “Someone please teach her about soap” and some nasty nicknames mocking my hobby I didn’t even know they had for me. I’ve tried so often to defend myself and explain my skin condition and that it’s genetic, yet up to the very last day everybody kept bullying me saying I’m dirty and disgusting.
I talked about it with my three friends and said I wanted to protest and have it taken out before the yearbook gets printed. (The list with everybodies comments had circled before printing.) Lydia told me I’m sensitive, that I shouldn’t take it so serious and I shouldn’t censor all critism of me. I was so shocked by her saying that. She used to be on my side.
Shortly after we graduated she moved away and didn’t stay in contact. I tried a few times, said I could come visit her one day, but at first I only got one-sentence-answers, later nothing. I sent her a small gift and card on her first birthday after graduation, she replied with a short thanks, sent me a generic textmessage on my birthday and we never spoke again.
Now someone wants to organize the 20 year reunion of our highschool class. I was added to a whatsapp group - not sure where they got my number from - and Lydia contacted me. The usual small talk. How’s life been, how many kids, yadada. I way shocked enough to be suddenly added to that group. It brought back so many bad memories, I wanted to cry, I wanted to write into the group how I wish they’d all die the most horrible, painful death. I didn’t, I just left the group without any comment. I did answer Lydia and am doing the small talk, but inside all I want to ask is “how could you betray me like that? Why did you do that to me?”
I mean I guess I know the answer. I stayed losely in contact with another member of our group. A few month after graduation the topic came up and she said she didn’t think I was bullied, because I “could have just covered up with makeup like they said I should and worn more fashionable clothes”. Since I didn’t, I chose to be ridiculed. I guess that would be the answer if I asked Lydia.
I don’t know what kind of answer I’m expecting here, I’m just very confused and hurt and don’t know how to behave. Ignore her? Block her? Ask her about it? Would that change anything? It would hurt so much if she just told me I was never bullied and I’m sensitive or asked for it. I don’t know has anyone got advise? Has anyone who was bullied been in a similar position? What would you do?
Something sort of similar happened to me recently - an old middle-school bully sent aa friend request on Meta, which i deleted. Then a few weeks later he followed up with a direct-message, so I replied (in short sentences) that I didn’t remember him ever being kind to me or sticking up for me, and I relayed an example of when he got up in my face to call me a combative slur. He said he didn’t remember it, but he apologized in general. There was still some narcissistic triangulation going on but he seemed to be on a genuine path of repentance, so I accpted the FR.
So you might give them that much opportunity to initiate an apology, and if they stick with victim-blaming then don’t let them into your life.
I’d just ghost her, smalltalks if necessary.
You don’t owe anyone 20 years ago anything, just move on and leave bad people behind.
That’s my recommendation anyways.
Good luck!
You have but one life on this mortal coil.
You deserve to be happy, and you owe it to yourself to always work towards that.Don’t allow these live ghosts to haunt you. You owe them nothing but your own choice to be happy.
Never dealt with anything like you have, apart from general bullying. Do whatever brings you the least amount of stress and the most amount of happiness. You may choose to check things out and if things haven’t changed you can cut them out. You may ignore them altogether and keep living your life. You don’t owe them anything. But you do not need to deal with their bullshit. Fuck that noise!
You don’t owe her anything, and shouldn’t feel any guilt by just ghosting them.
That being said, if you’re feeling up for it, I’d at least hear her out a bit before making the decision. People can change a lot in 20 years. Maybe she regrets how she acted, maybe she doesn’t. If she seems unrepentant, block her. If she seems repentant but in an insincere way, like she is just looking to absolve herself of guilt, still block her.
Kids process logic and emotion pretty irrationally, and it’s hard to say what mental space she was in at the time or even if she truly remembers what happened the same way you do. The struggle for acceptance is a bitch, and if she was somehow trying to reconcile her new friends’ douchebaggery towards you with the acceptance she felt she needed from them, could be that she didn’t realize how hurtful her words truly were. An instance of undeveloped minds try to navigate social webs they don’t fully understand. That’s not an excuse, to clarify, just a potential explanation for her behavior that might explain a difference in recollection.
Regardless, you owe it to yourself to worry about your own happiness first, so if all of this is just too much to worry about, there’s no harm in just walking away. In your shoes, even if I was contacted out of the blue by old friends I actually liked who were looking to reconnect, I’d have to think about it. I’ve only got capacity for so many people in my life now.
I never lived with a condition in the realm of what you seem to be describing, the worst I ever had was cystic acne which wound up with a golf ball sized lump on my cheek. But for the most part other than acne I was lucky.
Overall I would say before you were added to the group you weren’t stressing about them/her.
Blocking her and moving on in your life isn’t going to cause you any harm… So why not? I’m not a therapist or such, so my advice may not be the best. I just feel if you have moved on, why bring that possibly toxic environment back into your life.
I hope all is going well/better in your life now. Sorry that has you down. *Digital hug
Shortly after we graduated she moved away and didn’t stay in contact. I tried a few times, said I could come visit her one day, but at first I only got one-sentence-answers, later nothing.
The answer to your question, I feel, is obvious. It’s right there: Lydia’s not the good person that you hoped she might be when you were a kid, and she probably isn’t now either. It’s not that she’s too stupid to understand what happened, it’s just that she doesn’t want to acknowledge her role in it - she couldn’t do it before, and she’s not going to do it now.
As much as she chickened out and left you hanging all that time ago, I’m surprised that you’re not more pissed at the assholes who were directly responsible for bullying you. You seem to be deflecting blame onto your gutless ‘friend’, why not take aim at the true culprits? IMO it’s a good idea to at least talk frankly with her, but I wouldn’t hold out hope of some sudden realization and reconciliation if she didn’t bother touching base in the past two decades. It bears saying, though, that you at least deserve a straight answer from her, assuming that she’s not still as self-absorbed as she was before…
I am very pissed at the assholes who directly bullied me and spent a lot of time thinking about ways to hurt them in retaliation. I didn’t mention it because they are just some monsters to me who will hopefully die the most painful deaths with untreatable diseases. Since I do not want to end up in jail, I feel like there is not much else I can do about them. Also, I had a lot of therapy and talked about the bullying. I’m at a point where I just silently wish the worst on my bullies if I happen to think about them. The difference is that Lydia was my friend for a long time so it feels differently what she did.
But I guess you’re right, she isn’t/wasn’t a good person.
Best of luck to you, it sounds like you’re moving past it pretty well compared to some others I’ve heard about or know.
