The stress of a divorce and the rising tide of fascism have caused me to seriously regress in self care skills over the past few years. I am currently struggling with eating/“meal planning.” I am intellectually capable of understanding what is necessary to grocery shop/plan out meals, and used to be able to do so, but am struggling with executive dysfunction to the point where I cannot.
For the past two years, my diet has been fast food, chips, beer and candy. I had a few “safe foods” - specific brands of frozen meals that were reliable, but of late they are not working. Eg, I have been lying on the floor for the past five hours feeling absolutely famished, have considered going to the refrigerator and making one of the frozen meals that is usually “safe” - and am utterly incapable of doing so. I don’t think I could even eat it if I made it.
I’m guessing this is autism - I’m guessing I’m autistic - but there has never been any means for me to be evaluated. I have talked to my therapist about this, and have not really found the advice helpful.
The most effective thing has been stocking up on things like lunchables to at least get calories in. Sometimes even lunchables will stop being “safe” though. It gets harder to function when I’m hungry, so I get caught in a loop of lying in bed hungrier and hungrier. I know I can’t live off of gas station pizza and Monster, but there have been days where that’s all I feel capable of eating.
I think meal replacement shakes are really helpful when you’re stuck in a headspace like this. I’m talking things like Soylent, Huel, etc.
If you buy the powder in bulk it is much more affordable than fast food and quite easy to prepare.
People will argue that they’re worse than whole foods, which is true, but it’s still much better than nothing, lunchables, gas station food, snacks, etc.
Beyond that I think the best thing is to try and reduce the scope of what you want to accomplish so it doesn’t feel overwhelming. Instead of worrying about making food for 3 meals a day everyday. Try instead to make one meal and go from there.
The meal replacement shakes are a good idea. I should have thought of that.
I’ve fallen into basically a pattern of not eating all day, then getting home and then drinking/getting stoned to binge. I could see the shakes making the binging better.
It’s unbelievably frustrating. I fed three people, meal planned, cooked. Didn’t have problems doing dishes. Didn’t have problems cleaning up trash. My apartment should look nice, I should be able to feed myself. When I talk to my therapist she’s like, “you know what you need to do so just do it” - and I just fucking can’t.
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The apartment is another factor. I don’t really have furniture. I’ve been making a “couch” out of scrap T-shirts.
I guess I’ve had politics affect me too much to ignore it. The attacks on education (my career), the attacks on trans people (my life)… I don’t know what will happen when I renew my drivers license.
The hobbies are helpful. When I had more money I went to a pottery studio a few times. A lot of the hobbies are practical right now - sewing the “couch”, fixing my clothes, making dishclothes that I hope will motivate me to clean. Thrifting. I was on a hunt for speakers for a while and that was motivating.
It’s hard to understand it as chemical “depression” when it seems like a rational reaction to the world. I was born the child of a severely mentally ill teenage girl who slept with a man much older than her. I’ve always been “off” in some way - whether it’s autism or ADHD or whatever - there just aren’t the professionals who diagnose these things here. Whatever it was it was enough to make me different enough to bully. The “help” I received was conversion therapy, the troubled teen industry, and my mother’s strange sexual fantasies/advice. I ended up in an abusive controlling marriage which left me financially devastated and effectively bankrupt, while my millionaire ex husband’s family happily supports his little group of prostitutes.
I don’t have friends. I don’t have a support system. If I died, all of my art and books and writing and knitting would end up in a bin somewhere. I don’t feel like I exist. I’ve never seen antidepressants as a solution to these things, and I’ve always reacted strangely to psychiatric medication anyway. There’s very little good quality mental health care here - we have LPCs who play Dr. Phil. I have PTSD from experiences in inpatient treatment.
I’m just supposed to look at this impossible situation, and deal with it. I got fired a couple of weeks ago from my full time job - I was starting on things like unemployment and food stamps, but they won’t be coming. I get through the day by imagining the night - that I can go home, get drunk and high, that food will seem edible or at least I’ll stop caring about finances and spend too much money on delivery.
Losing food is what is breaking me. It’s like the last connection I feel I have to my body, and it’s tenuous at best. The idea that I could get through a week and make myself something nice or go get sushi or something and enjoy it. The only thing I have a sense of “looking forward to” is the dream of the move North - living in a place where I could teach again, a place where I’m not wondering whether getting pulled over will have me arrested for the “wrong” marker (our city jail has killed multiple people - the federal government has been trying to shut it down for a decade) But the prospect of economic collapse is making that dream fade. And if I am here when people start shooting, I will probably die.
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Forces, friend. Depression can cause this too, and of course it can be both -and often is-, but at least it’s much easier to get help with depression and usually the doctors want to rule that out first. Could also be ADHD. Some meds work for depression and ADHD. If you can, try to go and see a doctor. Ask a friend or a family member to help book the appointment and come with you to the clinic if it feels overwhelming. Even some help is better than none. If you have someone you could trust to help you with grocery shopping, that could make a huge difference. Some stores also do home deliveries - going to a grocery store is super draining and it’s difficult to think of anything to eat when you are overwhelmed.
You’ve been through a lot, and the world around is crumbling, which really doesn’t make coping with personal hardship any easier. It’s okay to not make the best choices, for now you are surviving. You are doing your best!
My easy to make safe foods are: noodle salad (rice noodles, lettuce, cucumber, carrot, cilantro, fried tofu with teriyaki sauce and some peanut sauce on top); “oven bread/pizza bread” or grilled sandwich, just put anything on them; tortillas (greens, some protein with spices, sauces); tortilla pizzas from leftover tortillas; raw porridge (basically muesli and oat milk, if there’s seeds or nuts or yoghurt then maybe those, let sit in the fridge overnight). When I was really burned out I used to just cook pasta and put instant sauce in the same pan, maybe add soy or beans or something.
Not necessarily autism, but I can certainly relate so maybe. It sounds like you might need to detox from the news and social media for a bit. You might need some help getting over your divorce but you have imediate control over how much politics you see. Dont believe the hype, your life will go on perfectly well if you ignore the political fanfare. You dont have a responsibility to stay informed and fight for change, that shit is optional. Just look after yourself first of all as it sounds like thats what you need right now.
I’ve found with my ADHD friends, as well as my (autistic, bipolar, ?maybe adhd?) self, that “doing something for others” is somehow easier than doing it just for myself. That might put into perspective why it felt easier to make meals before a divorce. Feel like there’s a way to hack that quirk, solo, but haven’t figured it out exactly yet.
Coming a bit from the opposite angle-- I haven’t eaten well for my entire life, and I’m trying to learn how to create a diet on my own, from scratch.
I rely on a lot of soup. Just cut veggies, freeze them. Dump them all in broth when I have energy. Spices are “whatever feels right.” Cutting and cooking does not need to be on the same day. Very simple, gets me veggies, reliable. It’s something to build from. Does not require much planning.
Making a sandwitch has always been my go-to meal when I can’t think of anything. I always keep some frozen bread that I can just reheat, put cheese, mayo, chicken, whatever, and eat it.
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“Rising tide of fascism”
Anyway I would look at simple easy to make meals. Think 20min low prep.
You would probably get some good tips from an ADHD community, though the tips here have been good too.
I think you’re overwhelmed, which is probably obvious but it may help to state it plainly. When I’m overwhelmed, it helps if I give myself permission to just drop everything for a bit. Whatever stuff I think I need to get done isn’t going to get done anyway and stressing about it isn’t helping, so I take a breather. Then I start with just basic self care, however much I can manage. I can’t stand going without a shower so that’s a first. Eating might wait if it’s really bad, but I have some meal replacement shakes for emergencies when I really can’t do anything else. I’ll probably isolate and ignore people for a little bit, but if I do it right I start to feel up to talking before too many days go by. But by dropping everything and then adding it back one thing at a time, I stop feeling so overwhelmed.
The world finds a way to keep on going even as we sit still and catch our breath. Trauma and anxiety just make us feel like we might die if we don’t do the things, even though it’s almost never that dire. We have very intense feelings - and it is important to give yourself space to feel and process them - but they are just temporary feelings and you do not have to believe them.
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Neutrally: Do you feel like your comment is a mature, adult response?
I’m a bit curious-- your hobby seems to be attempting to antagonize others on the internet. Do you have anyone in your life that feels like a support system? Are they someone that does not hurt you?
If your only support system consists of people who talk like you do, to you-- please try to get out of your current situation. It’s a painful place to be. Life can be better.
