Tomb “Wiki of Arch” (common):

• “Just read the wiki”: By reading the wiki you gain +2 wisdom
• “everything you need to know is in the wiki”: Merchants increase the price of armour if you misread the wiki
• “Installation Guide”: Gain 5 speed, reduce your weapon slots to 1, increase armour by 1

The blessing of selhosting

Your pursuit for digital soverignity has come to an end

• Server maintenance: lose one bonus action per round
• Media server of pirated movies: gain one random spell roll at the start of your turn when in combat
• Tales of docker: Frighten a creature for 2 rounds, but lose 1 Charisma for 10 rounds
• Tailscale: spend an action point to access your camp chest from anywhere

I have [Ancient] Debian Armor and a GNOME as my companion. I often equip the Tor Browser Cloak of Invisibility. If slain, I will drop a Locked KeePassXC Database Chest. After completing the mission Revive bricked Linux system, I was awarded with the [Rare] Ego Potion. When drunk, it boosts all stats temporarily during a battle.

Wait, is this within unix surrealism universe?

Anyways, my trusty usb cable wired to a 9" nail in my forehead can interact and even fix most drivers.

I might be displaying my ignorance of TTRPG systems, my Linux distro and my window manager, but here we go!

Arch Linux [uncommon armor]

• manual installation process — +2 WIS
• Arch Wiki — +2 on arcana checks
• AUR — +1 DEX
• system update — after every long rest, roll a d20. on a nat 1, you have disadvantage on dexterity saving throws until the next long rest.
• I use Arch btw — +2 on persuasion checks against people who use this same armor

Customized Hyprland [rare armor, attunement]

• attunement prerequisite: once every long rest, roll arcana with DC 25. must succeed thrice
• unlimited customization — when attuned, +2 CHA
• perpetually under construction — regardless of attunement, -1 DEX

Customized Neovim [rare weapon, attunement]

• attunement prerequisite: once every long rest, roll arcana with DC 25. must succeed thrice
• unlimited customization — when attuned, +2 to attack rolls
• learning cliff — disadvantage to attack rolls when not attuned to this weapon
• I use (neo)vi(m) — regardless of attunement, +2 on persuasion checks against people who use a similar weapon to this one (DM discretion)

Ventoy USB [uncommon accessory]

• various installation media — +1 CON

EDIT: formatting

Blue fedora (uncommon)

• +10 armor
• +5 speed

Wand of btrfs (epic)

• snapshot: saves your current inventory
• restore (passive): on death restotes your inventory to a state saved by the snapshot spell

Ring of gnomes (common)

• summons up to 3 gnomes when health is below 10%

Common Debian Swirl

Adds stability buff but forces user to wait 4 turns before enhancing any item, weapon or spell.

Quest: Kali Bandits

The Kali have been terrorizing villages across Linuxia. I beg you, young traveler, help us fight them off. I’ll reward you with riches beyond compare!

Objective: Protect the village from the Kali bandits.

Reward: +500 gold

Sigil of Motif (rare)

• +2 to disguise, if you are attempting to pass for 20 years older than you are
• Stacks with Cape of fvwm

Warhammer of cfdisk (common)

• Cannot be dodged
• Roll 1d10. On critical fail, smash yourself with warhammer for 5d4 damage.

Void heart (rare)

• counters charm of systemd
• sanity decreases with time
• +2 con

For some reason, I cannot git ye shell. All my attempts to bash my way through anything fail miserably as well.

This weird Grub on a boot keeps showing up and blocking my path.

Fuck this game >:(

• Food item: Nix Flakes (rare)

  • +10 health per flake

  • + Contains a large amount of packages when combined with Nixpkgs (uncommon)

  • + Reproducible: farm it yourself!

  • - Each flake takes between 5 seconds and 2 hours to compile and take effect

  • - Requires good internet connection

  • - Significantly slows down NixOS dotfile spells.

• Weapon: Neovim Lua Gun (uncommon)

  • +144 damage

  • + Rewrite config files

  • - Can only activate weapon once. Afterwards, you’re stuck using it forever.

  • - Requires XP level 1337 to be used efficiently

• Weapon: NixOS USB (uncommon)

  • + Makes computer unusable for any sane person

  • + Reproducible: install any system you want and then replace it with another one for fun

  • - Most people in Linuxia are not sane so this weapon is rarely effective

• Spell: NixOS dotfiles (rare)

  • rm -rf ./.git: self-destruct: deals +infinity damage to the user, +169 damage to nearby enemies.

  • cat flake.nix: Ejects what is effectively a zip bomb. Cannot be used twice against the same enemy. Deals +196 damage to nearby enemies.

  • nixos-rebuild ...: Refreshes stamina, +5 health to the user. If used incorrectly, will cause a random negative effect, but never fatal. Requires waiting for 15 seconds, unless Nix Flakes were recently used, then it requires at least 2 hours of waiting.

• Armor: SDDM (common)

  • +40 charisma

  • +20 defense

  • +10 health

  • - Buggy sometimes

• Accessory: Waybar Crown (uncommon)

  • +120 charisma

  • +5 health

  • + People will ask you for your dotfiles

Edit: fixed formatting

Edit 2: slightly cooler names and abilities

Custom kernel (Accessory, rare):

• Must be crafted by the owner and cannot be sold, given away, or otherwise transferred. Sometimes explodes during the crafting process, causing unconsciousness and 2d6 damage.
• 10% attack and defense bonuses to weapons and armour that were equipped at the time of crafting, but -10% on new weapons and armour.
• Lightness grants +10 speed.

I buy a new house. Everything looks great, I move in, go to bed. The next morning my hot water doesn’t work. The house’s documentation doesn’t cover this, so I go online. When I ask for help on forums people tell me to RTFM and call it a skill issue. I end up finding 500 different ways of fixing the hot water, filter through the 499 that don’t apply to my particular build. When I’m done the cold water doesn’t work either. I decide I’ll fix it later and head to the front door to go to work. It won’t open. Something I did trying to fix the water broke it somehow. I give up and just use the windows instead.

Curse of NixOS

Immutable Distro - When making a roll, if the previous roll did not use this feature, you may use the dice value of the last roll you made.

Highly Configurable - You can swap one piece of equipment per turn as a free action.

Flake or Vanilla? - You must succeed on a DC 20 WIS save once every hour or be compelled to spend that hour respeccing your equipment loadout and retraining your skills, in an attempt to achieve the elusive state known as “best practice”.