Hello, this is gonna be a long one.
My Gf and I broke up over our long term goals in our life. I grew up on a kinda farm and always told her that I see my future on the farm (not working as a farmer, but its the place I grew up on and it was always my plan to live there). I told her really early on, like 6 1/2 years ago, while she was never as exited for it as me, it never seemed to be a problem for her, she rides horse for a hobby and we had often talked about how we someday have the horse standing on the farm and maybe keep some chickens. My Gf was 19 when we got together (I was the only Partner she had in her adult live) and I was 23 when we got together, now she is 26 and I am 30.
Fast forward to like 6 months ago, we start to make plans for the house (we have to tear one down so we can build a new one). She starts to worry about how, now that it comes closer and closer, doesnt want to live on that farm.
3 Weeks ago she told me she cant imagine herself to be happy on the farm, I dont want to leave the farm behind, we couldnt find a compromise and broke up. We lived in a small apartment in a city. I decide to live at my parents on the farm and she keeps the apartment. We decide we want to try and stay friends, since theres no problem between us, only our life goals ( she dont really know what she wants in her future) I help her numerous times in the apartment, sell her my car for a very moderate price (condition was she does all the paperwork so I have time to move in with all my stuff at my parents but I do a last service on the car, because im a car mechanic, she offered to pay me but I declined). That all was 3 to 2 weeks ago. One week ago I hear rumors that she has a new guy, but you get easily paranoid about that stuff after a breakup, so I wait, but more and more details emerge.
Yesterday I confronted her, she admits everything, we both stay pretty calm but cry a lot, she says that this was a giant mistake, she swears there was nothing goin on when we were still together and I believe her on that.
Yesterday evening we wrote another, I wrote her how much she hurt me by hooking up with another guy after 2 weeks whe I tried to help her with the apartment and car and that I cannot see her again because Istill have feelings for her. She wrote me that she understands she fucked up big time and hates herself for hurting me but still loves me, how I always was her best friend and perfect partner for her and that she understands how dissapointed I am and that it was probably the bigges error she ever did.
Today in the morning she calls and asks if we can meet up and talk and I accept that. We talk and we finally talk about why we broke up in the first place, and both understand that we both misunderstood ourself in a lot of ways about living on the farm.
Now I would have easily taken her back if it was just that, but she slept with that guy only 2 weeks after we broke up and that really really hurt. I know she was hurt and desperate and confused about what she wanted, but damn, 2 weeks after 7 years relationship! You are an adult and your actions have consequences.
Some hours ago she asked if we can talk again on Monday, I said “Yes, we can, but you have to end whatever it is you have with that new guy, but even then, I dont know if I can forgive you”
What are you opinions here? I know I still have feelings for her, and I know she has feelings for me, but what she did was really shitty, especially when I helped her and behind my back she was probably already fucking her new guy.
I really dont know what to do, I mean, in my heart I want her back, but my brain remembers what she did to me.
You are an adult and your actions have consequences.
My man. You don’t realize that the consequences of you two breaking up means you two are no longer committed. You may be in denial of it, but you two were single from that point moving forward. Neither of you owed each other anything romantically and you are now on your own separate paths. There’s no taking her back. You’ve already expressed your incompatible life goals. It’s time to move on and get back in the dating game. It’s hard and this may not be your last heartbreak.
You aren’t together anymore. You are basically just alut shaming her because it’s making you hurt. There’s nothing wrong with some rebound sex if she wants that.
Why is it that her actions of sleeping with someone while you were broken up are on her and have consequences, but your actions of breaking up with her aren’t on you and don’t have consequences?
You guys broke up. The consequences of that are that you’re no longer together, no longer committed to each other and how long you were together before that is completely and utterly irrelevant.
If you still believe 2 weeks is “too soon”, please do tell us how long she should have waited - and please show your maths on that one because I’d like to what the formula is for length of time after a relationship is over before it’s “okay” to sleep with someone else. Is it 1 week for every year you’re together? Does the nature of the breakup affect the result? Would it have been more or less okay if it was a total stranger over someone she already knew?
Hopefully by the tone of my response you can start to appreciate how farcical what you’re suggesting is. You owe her an apology for gaslighting her into thinking she’s done anything wrong there and you need to take some self reflection to figure out why you feel the way you (hint: you’ve got insecurities to deal with but don’t feel bad or ashamed of it, we’ve all got them).
You won’t start healing until you make a clean break. Stop talking to her. Stop meeting up. Just stop.
Of course you still have feelings and want her back. It hasn’t been enough time to process and grieve the end of your relationship. You can’t just jump from a 7 year relationship to friendship with the snap of your fingers. Give it 6 months to a year before you start talking. Maybe even longer.
A 7 year relationship and less than a month and she’s dating a new guy? It doesn’t sound like she needed tome to jeal and that alone would prevent me from continuing a relationship with her.
I don’t think you understand how a rebound works. Just because she had sex with another guy that doesn’t mean she didn’t need time to heal.
It’s over. She does love you and you love her but it’s done.
She found a guy to hook up with and overall it’s not as fulfilling as being with you but she is beginning to move on. She needs something different for her but still wants all of the emotional support from you. She will you use your support to get over you.
She can be an excellent friend eventually, but right now you need to spend time apart. Your gonna get wrecked if you stick it out as is.
I am just answering on this comment istead on every single one. First of all, thank you all for answering and sharing your honest opinion, it helps to get a “sober” look on this matter from strangers, because when you talk to friends they often choose your side, which is normal, but not always helpful to get a sober view on those things.
I realize that I did her wrong, it was over, she has every right to do what she wants and I am dissapointed in myself for criticizing her for that.
Thank you all, this was really helpful.
