Edit: Last night she attempted suicide. I was in the living room while she was showering. She got out of the shower, went to the bedroom, and about 10 minutes later I heard her call my name. She was holding a large handful of her medicine in one hand, and the bottle in the other. She told me she almost took it, but decided to get help instead. Suffice to say, both of us are dealing with a lot right now. She asked me not to tell anyone, but I am trying to persuade her to get mental healthcare.
So yesterday morning, while my girlfriend and I were sleeping in our new apartment, we heard some rustling at the door. This was around 8 AM or so. I heard him call out “maintenance” very faintly from the other side of the door.
I was partially awake and called out to the guy after glancing my gf’s way in a “is this guy for real?” look.
Guy apologized and left the apartment after he heard me. At the time, she said she was “glad I was there”.
I spoke to him later and he apologized profusely and said he wasn’t aware someone had moved in already. I figured that would be the end of it. No harm, no foul.
Last night, my girlfriend informed me that I didn’t handle that correctly. She said her dad would’ve been up and ready to fight the guy, and that by glancing her way I must’ve been asking her to protect me.
Despite us discussing a proposal now that we’re 2 years in, she let me know she doesn’t think I should “this year, but that she may change her mind”.
I’m honestly baffled. Was I supposed to shoot the maintenance man or something?
It has me reconsidering the relationship. One perceived mistake–that I honestly think I handled fine–and she’s putting our plans on ice.
She’s been mean leading up to this. She blames her cycle (and apologizes each time), but it’s a pretty extreme mood shift for a few days each month. So part of me wonders if these 2 things are related, and she’ll regret saying that to me. Another part wonders if I should forgive her in the first place.
What do y’all think? How big of a mess am I in?
Currently reading Attached: The Science of Adult Attachment by Amir Levine MD & Rachel S.F. Healer MA. I would highly recommend buying the book and both of you reading it. Not because of your post I just think everyone can benefit and become more competent partners through the fundamentals laid out in the book.
Your partner sounds like she is displaying deactivating strategies that avoidant attachment styles use to keep relationships from becoming uncomfortably intimate (for them). This could be a recurring issue that manifests in different deactivating strategies throughout your relationship, which is why it might be a good idea for you to read the book together. I’m an avoidant attachment myself, and I have a completely different view of my interactions with my wife now, much less of me viewing her behaviors as positive or negative but more so just empathizing with why she is behaving one way or another.
Lastly forgiveness is just part of being in a long term relationship. You asked if if you should forgive her in the first place, are you expecting to have a relationship with an ideal someone you won’t have to forgive?
Thanks for the advice. I just got off work so I’m only now able to read these. I’m going to check this book out. It sounds like, if nothing else, it’ll give me another perspective on what’s going on.
I expect forgiveness to be part of my relationships, I just don’t know if I can forgive this. I think my ability to forgive has limits, and this incident is severe enough, in my mind, to test those limits. Forgiveness increasingly feels like a one way street for her and I. I forgive her, but she’s selective with what she’ll forgive and move past. It wasn’t always this way. It’s changed in the past 3-4 months, though.
It absolutely has to be a two way street. You should have limits and you should be clear with her what they are. Whatever happens I hope the best for the both of you!