It’s a bit of a shot in the dark here, but have you considered looking into psychedelics? If you’re careful with them I’ve heard they can be life changing for treatment resistant depression and addiction. I only have experience with high thc cannabis (infrequently but at somewhat regular intervals, 1-4 times a month), but even that’s helped me (not in an assimilation into capitalism kind of way but in a feeling less burdened by the world kind of way, freer to pursue community, relationsips, etc, with less fear)

Even if you keep it in mind as a last resort, it might be something to consider.

Alternately/concurrently perhaps look into philosophy like that of Mark Fisher, bell hooks, or Lacan/Zizek for more perspectives from people trying to make sense of our current social reality.

Dopamine go brrr

All 2 SSRIs I’ve been on have given me nervous system zaps as well, with any level of tapering.

Yeah I’m also multiracial but white passing, so I couldn’t really answer that question at all.

Yeah I feel that. It’s certainly not my place to dictate what other people should believe, cuz it’s not like any of us definitively know how the universe works. Religion just brings me anguish personally. I’ve seen other people benefit from it, though in my experience it’s typically been people who modify their religious practices to fit their own needs, rather than those who blindly stick to dogma/ use the religion to oppress people. Basically, I view it as a tool for people to contextualize their experiences. Which can and continues to be misued by those in power. But on an individual/small community level I can understand why some people benefit from practicing their religion.

As someone who was indoctrinated into islam as a child, I cannot recommend. 0/10 stars. Or any of the abrahamic religions imo. Way too dogmatic and patriarchal. While the culture and ritual is interesting from an anthropological point of view, you’d likely have a better time hanging out with people you care about, instead of prostrating yourself to a god who thinks anyone with a uterus is subhuman.

No, I’m too gay lmao.

My “spirituality” is more just driven by my experiences with living, psychedelics, art, and science. Which is to say, I see myself as the atoms which comprise me, which will and actively are becoming other lifeforms (and viruses/prions) when my homeostasis is thrown off hard enough (cell death and the big death). I feel less like a “person” and more like a meat computer. Could be because I’m autistic and dissociate a lot from trauma/undiagnosed ADHD, but like, I do like the feeling of just “existing”. I feel like one of countless experiences of the universe experiencing itself. I try to do what makes me happy, (art, gardening, video games, programming) which includes helping my community and surroundings to be healthy, happy, and free, as one person can manage to make it.

I can’t always meet my own standards because I’m only one person. I still try to strive to do what I can.

Is anarchism a religion? Or is it faith in the inherent interconnectedness of nature? I think all creatures are better than we (human society) give them credit for. I don’t feel anthropocentrism will get us anywhere. I believe we’re more than the systems that control us (capitalist megamachine, fascism, racism, sexism, colonialism, ableism, speciesism, etc.). We, creatures of the earth, are no better or worse than anything or anyone else. And these specific bodies make us able to discuss and address inequality and injustice, and try to get as close to planetwide systemic homeostasis as possible. You are me are nature are gods are the universe. We’ll meet again in a different context, as different creatures, as not quite the same set of atoms. But some of what comprises “us” (myself and anyone reading this) will be there, in the future, perhaps even in the same creature. I don’t think there’s an “afterlife” just a different ongoing thread of “life”. I’m still terrified of dying of course, I’d like to keep this “system”, this “body”, alive as long as possible. But I’m a bit more ok with it than I used to be. And mourning my own death after being zooted out of my mind helped a bit.

TLDR “Ego death^TM” to sound even more like a stereotypical stoner/psychedelics user lmao.