I’m sorry that happened to you

Then they probably need some attention fr. Like Professional attention. Some need is not being met

Same

I’m sure that’s definitely part of it!

Hmmm interesting idea

Yes to stages!! If I try to do the thing immediately I will get lost in an inception of side quests. So I have tables in every room dedicated to “things that need to go in another place”. Then when I’m going there, maybe I’ll remember to grab one of them 😅

Yes to multiples of things in each room/my car!! Off the top of my head I can think of: phone chargers, cups of pens and scissors, fly swatter, fans, Chapstick, hair ties. If I have to move it, Ive lost it

Where do you keep them? How do you ensure you put them away on the proper place?

Can you talk about the process of you remembering to put the bracelets on? How does that work?

Totally. What do you think we should call it?

Wow thank you

Since realizing I’m autistic I have had a few big areas of skill regression that have really concerned me. Mainly sensory sensitivity leading to overstimulation, and just total exhaustion after any kind of social activity leading to a deep sense of need to be alone for a long time, like many many days in order to recover.

I think about this a lot about what it means because I used to mask everything so much that I could go all school semester passing as a normal human, just quirky. Then during break I would get sick and fall apart like my body was just waiting for permission to take a break.

Summers were always a time of much deeper depression and I think about it now as burnout. But I always pulled myself back together to perform the requisite behaviors.

Now I have given myself permission to give myself accommodations with regards to sensory overload and recovery after socializing, I recognize it better and understand more what I’m feeling. But that makes it seem like it’s there * more *

I finished installing the flooring in my laundry room instead of proofreading a report that is painfully boring.

For me, my problem with this approach is first of all I can’t cheerfully say feelings a bit rough. That does not compute. But also, in my experience, if I say anything remotely negative that creates social pressure for them to ask for more details. “Aw I’m sorry, what’s going on? 🥺”

But while I don’t like lying about how I am, I also am not comfortable talking about my personal problems with people I’m not close to. So I would really prefer to not be put in this position in the first place.

Maybe we should consider if it is appropriate for us to know about someone’s personal problems before we ask “how are you?”

If the answer is, ehh probably not appropriate, we should refrain from asking that because by doing so we are creating social pressure for the answer to only be positive, whether or not that’s true.

I have decided to try and practice saying “hi hope you’re having a nice day” instead of how are you to people I’m not close to. I think that reflects what we’re really trying to say with the “how are you” in reality - we are wishing the person well.

It’s like the Russian formal greeting Здравствуйте (zdrast-vyui’tye) literally translates to "Have health!

My problem with this is that while I don’t like lying I also really don’t want to talk about my personal problems with someone I’m not intimately close to. So honestly, I would prefer if people who aren’t close to me don’t ask the question in the first place.

Like I’m not going to tell you that I’m having mental health issues this week and I’m about to lose my shit because everything feels overwhelming and I’m not sure it’s worth it anymore. So no I’m not really “getting through it” right now. But it also is going to be very challenging for me to lie to you right now also.

So maybe don’t presume that we have the right to that information in the first place and just say something in greeting that doesn’t require someone to divulge, honestly or not, private information about themselves.

I’m going to try to implement a “Hi, hope you’re having a nice day” instead of how are you to people I’m not close with in practicing this.

Best comment in this whole post

I was just thinking this morning about what are we actually trying to say in America with the “How are you?” fake question so that I can try inserting that instead and I think it’s really like the Russian hello, Здравствуйте (zdrast-vyui’tye) which literally translates to “Have health!”. We’re not really asking how someone is, we are trying to say “I hope you’re well”

I could see myself being able to apply this concept in like a retail situation by saying “Hi, hope you’re having a nice day 🙂” when I come up to the counter instead of “hi how are you?”

I think there’s a lot in your comment to talk about and I certainly don’t think you’re wrong about a lot of things. I think if we were in person we could have an engaging evening of discussion that will be harder to do in this way online but I will try to expand just a little more.

Your comment made me think about something that’s been brewing in my mind a lot recently but I’m not sure it’s entirely fermented enough to put down into words yet.

It has to do with my reflection on interpersonal relationships with people who I suspect might be ND but are either closeted about it or perhaps don’t even know themselves, people who have put a lot of work into analyzing social norms and applying those lessons in themselves so that they can pass as normal. I suspect these folks I’m thinking about are autistic in large part because of their rigid sense of social norms rules, and their clear anxiety when they see people eschewing those rules.

I was afforded a lot of freedom to be weird as a kid. I learned social rules for in the classroom quickly, but outside that I was very lucky with the kids that were around me. And since I loved school and learning so was missed for my ND I just grew up understanding myself as someone who was a weirdo but was accepted for that.

What this means in this context is that I find myself often triggering the above group of suspected ND folks who I think were probably not as lucky as me and who learned to be very rigid in applying social norms in order to be accepted. It smells of trauma, right? And how could it not be trauma. Being rejected as a kid is probably the most primitive danger we face outside of actually dying.

The point I’m getting at here is that I don’t think you’re wrong in a lot of ways but I think there has got to be a middle ground where yes we are learning the social norms and applying those lessons in order to provide the social lubrication to get along and succeed, but ALSO educating the world at large that Neurodivergence exists, is valid, and should be accommodated. I just really believe that the vast majority of the reason ND is not accommodated is because of unintentional ignorance.

So you clearly have had a lot of experiences with people who you felt were not trying hard enough to learn and apply the social rules. So that has shaped your perspective in this discussion.

I have had so many more experiences of the opposite where I have seen people living with intense anxiety constantly about their ability to fit in, and failure despite all their efforts. People who are killing themselves with stress, leading to burnout, depression, substance abuse, abusive relationships. All of this i see as a direct product of them never being given permission to be themselves, be different, advocate for their needs.

So I don’t think we are actually at odds in this discussion and I think if we were able to talk in person we would find that out.

Yeah I understand how my phrasing would make anyone feel defensive. Maybe you might attempt to understand why the phrasing you used in the comment I was replying to might trigger someone to want to tell you that.

“Fine, thanks, and you?” Sounds fine (ha) I think but “I’m fine” leaves a lingering doubt like you’re holding back from saying something negative for some reason. And heck, maybe I’m the only one who was harassed for saying that, but I get this anxiety now every time I’m inclined to use it that the person will ask me what’s wrong that I avoid it to my own annoyance.

I love learning languages, thank you for sharing the Turkish! That’s really interesting

I resonate so much with that. I think this is the nature of social change. We fight however we are able until we cannot anymore and then others take up the torch. I struggle with bitterness about other fights I fought before that I burned out from. Maybe I’ll learn from those lessons and definitely have learned more about myself so I’m working on recognizing burn out before it ruins me. If not, well I’ll learn from that too. It’s all we can do. I’m proud of you for recognizing your needs and prioritizing that for now, for however long you it takes.