Hi, I am (22M) in a long term relationship with (22F) that has been going on for 3 years as of now.
Around the start of the relationship (2-3 months in) I went to a party without her and got drunk. I did all kinds of things that would be considered “dealbreakers”. (Kissing multiple people, laying down with another girl during down time) We did not discuss things like that prior to the party. But after it, I felt extremely guilty, because I myself wouldn’t have approved of such things. So I told her almost all of it (and it was very painfull for us). Except the fact that I proposed in a separate room to engage in sexual stuff with a couple. They refused but I still did propose. (This feels very very wrong for me)
Now, after this, we rebuilt our relationship and until now it’s been going very very great. We are following the same studies and are pulling each others up. Celebrating successes together. Going on exchange trips together. Etc etc… She loves me from all her heart (her words) and I do too.
Except lately there’s been a little too much down time for the things filling my brain. As a result, that memory came back and now, I have a choice. Either I tell her, relationship takes a huge hit on trust and I cause her harm. Either I bite the bullet and live with this guilt but that may come back even strongly (she might notice it since it’s affecting me physically)
If you are suggesting the first option, how would you approach it? She seems to be living the dream with me right now so I want to make the landing soft enough for her.
I think maybe you should approach this from a different angle. Rather than just to “get it off your chest,” I think you should approach this as a problem to be solved.
We’re all human. We all do things we wish we didn’t. To be adults means to recognize under what conditions we make these bad decisions, and rather than just try to “do better,” you should work to remove those conditions. What I mean by that is, if you were to get drunk at a party today, what’s to stop you from making that same bad decision? Have you stopped going to parties with the kinds of people you would proposition like that? Have you stopped drinking alcohol so you wouldn’t get drunk in the first place? Or have you not changed anything at all, and those same conditions could reasonably come up in your life again today?
If the answer is “these conditions can’t come up again because I’ve already made life changes to prevent them,” then great! No need to bring it up with the girlfriend, because it no longer represents a future threat to the relationship. You are no longer the person who did those things because you have made a change in yourself that wasn’t present back then.
If the answer is “nothing in my life has changed to prevent this from being a future problem,” then you may (emphasis on may) want to bring it up as a problem to solve as a couple. Consider telling her about what you did in the context of asking for her help preventing that from happening again. Talk about what you think led to that situation and brainstorm things you can work on changing that she can help with. Maybe you only go to parties together and she helps keep track of your drinks? Maybe you stop going to parties and come up with other activities to socialize with friends (hiking, mountain biking, fencing, pottery, poetry writing, Warhammer 40k figurine painting; the limit is your imagination)?
I don’t know you, so I can’t suggest changes that I think will work for you, but she does. The hardest part is that you have to legitimately want to change and you have to put in a good faith effort to make those changes. To make this work, you will have to sacrifice something, maybe sometime you really like doing. But it ultimately won’t be for her or even for your relationship. It will be to make yourself a better person, one who works at having a healthy relationship with your significant other.