ghostarchive

I am Matt Gaetz and I don’t understand why everyone is upset. I am behaving perfectly! I am doing everything right! Why, didn’t you see what I saw? What we all saw? Why, Congress started to function! A nightmare! And I stopped it! I am brave! I am a hero! I am singlehandedly throwing myself into the machinery of progress and saying, “Not today!” (Although, admittedly, it was not even very much progress.) This is exactly what you elected me to do. And you’re … upset?

This cannot be correct. Florida voters did not pick Matt Gaetz for Congress expecting him to just idly sit by while people passed legislation to keep the country operational. That’s not why you send Matt Gaetz to Washington. Everyone knows the terms of the contract with a bog witch that allow me to exist in human form rather than reverting to my original shape (haunted doll) dictate that if Congress ever appears functional, even briefly, I start to revert. Also, every time someone says something bad about me, my hair gets taller. Also, I need people to be aware of me at all times or my light starts flickering and I begin to go out. Like Jeb Bush, or Tinkerbell. Remember Jeb Bush? Well, exactly. “That’s a lot of curses to keep track of,” you are probably saying. Yes.

So I do not understand what the problem is.

I cannot fathom why all these people are yelling at me. Well, my general demeanor, I suppose, and the way I’ve lived my life. But I don’t understand why Republicans are. They are calling me an “a-hole,” accusing me of “using the American people as pawns in his narcissistic game of charades.” (The most insulting part of this comment is the implication that I have no understanding whatsoever of the rules of charades and think that it involves pawns! Obviously, charades is played with checkers.) They have called me a “diabolical saboteur” as though I am supposed to glean from their tone that it’s a … bad thing? Like, what? Newt Gingrich wants to expel me. Newt Gingrich! I thought we were Republicans!

To those who say that I am “either a fool or a liar” I reply: Well, no shame in either! If you have negative feelings about fools and liars, you’d better not utter them where our presumptive presidential nominee can hear you! He will take that personally!

Yes, I am behaving like a narcissistic bully. I am hogging the spotlight to do something unproductive, out of vengeance, or possibly stupidity! YOU’RE WELCOME!

Is that not the very thing I was sent to Congress to do? I think if I do anything less, I am letting down all the people who voted for Matt Gaetz. If they wanted Congress to function, they would not have sent me here.

You think that what I am doing is a narcissistic game? Is that not a high compliment? Have I been reading the room wrong? I thought that if I sucked all attention into myself like a vortex and produced nothing of value in return, that meant that I was a hero, above criticism and you would be willing to threaten all my enemies with violence! But suddenly people are like, “Stop playing narcissistic games!”

Did I wake up on the wrong side of the mirror again? This happens sometimes, because of all the curses.

Are we against playing narcissistic games (of charades, or otherwise) that use the American people as pawns, or are we excited to nominate Donald Trump for president a third time? If we’re not against it, why is everyone yelling at me? I’m just doing what we do! I have done everything right.